I’m a firm believer in the saying, “When a person tries to walk out of your life, LET THEM.” Because I’m a sweet Southern girl, I always try to be polite and I’ll even hold the door for them as they make their “grande exit”. I am also a firm believer in the saying, “people are in your life for a reason, a season or lifetime”. Once a person has reached their expiration date…….things just start to stink. Time to go. But that still does not make losing a friend lover, colleague or partner any easier. It’s an empty feeling actually. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I hope that this piece will help you to see it sooner than later! Let’s explore the Art of Uninviting Someone from Your Life, recognizing when it is time to let go and coping with the loss.
I am at one of the most crucial crossroads in my life and you probably are too. I am finally getting recognized for my work. The powers- that- be have taken notice of my creativity. I have real offers on the table. I will soon be able to stop selling weed and support myself strictly from my writing! I’m excited about life! I know you are making moves too! Right!? NOW is the time in which we need people around us that LOVE everything about us. We need a team that is happy to let us glow and happy to watch us grow! We do not need people in our inner circle that cannot accept our shortcomings and over-glorify the things that they do not particularly like about us. No one should ever have the power to make you feel bad for JUST BEING YOURSELF. (Unless you’re a serial killer, in that case, you should definitely feel bad!)
Side Note: People that tend to over-glorify the things that they do not like about you usually do not like these same qualities in themselves. You may represent a personal failure, an insecurity or they may simply wish they were more like you in that particular respect. Don’t allow any poor sap to deflect their own heavy issues on you! That’s their cross to bear, NOT YOURS! Release them and their bad energy.
1. Beware of the “new person” that is quick to offer advice or their opinion on YOUR LIFE. I personally think it is tactless to offer opinions or criticisms to people in which I do not have an established rapport with. Time and experience help open the lines of communication. I dare not try to impress my views on a fully operational human being. Instead, I sit back and I observe. I try to gain an understanding on why they do the things that they do. I have never walked a mile in their moccasins, so I dare not judge their journey. I can only try to see their world from their eyes. I have overweight friends but I would NEVER make a mention of their weight unless they explicitly asked me for workout tips and they opened up the dialogue on the topic. I have friends that wear too much make-up, but I would never offer beauty tips unless they explicitly asked me about my own beauty regimen Basically before you go and offer unsolicited advice, do some research on the individual. They may be perfectly happy with the way they are. Why can’t you be? It makes me cringe and laugh at the same damn time when a person tries to pull me to the side and tell me to fix something about myself . My initial reaction is always gratitude that they would take notice of a nuance they may have with me and think enough of THEMSELVES to believe that their opinion matters to me. Secondly, I internally question their area of expertise. If Terry McMillan was to pull me to the side and tell me my Blog sucked that would weigh more heavily than if Terrence from up the block told me such a thing. At this point in the game, if you do not have sheer numbers (a following) behind you, you are a consumer not a creator or you do not have a proven track record in the area in which you are giving ME advice. DO us both a favor, get the fuck outta my face dog.
2. Beware of the person that is always questioning everything all of the time. This individual is dead set on being unhappy and I can guarantee that they will deflect these feelings onto you. This person will have very few moments of personal joy or peace. When they are able to achieve solace, it will be quickly interrupted by morbid thoughts and this eternal unrest that will plague them for the rest of their days. Because they literally question everything, from the existence of God to the their purpose in life, they will never be able to “just be”. Stopping and smelling the roses is not apart of their repertoire. Debbie Downer’s are infectious.RUN!
3. Beware of the person that slowly picks away at who you are. Eventually you won’t even recognize yourself! This man or woman will appear in the form of a person that genuinely cares about you. They will do small gestures to make you comfortable They will make you feel really good about yourself. They may even stroke your ego, as an artist WE especially need that sometimes. They will entangle themselves with the intricacies of your life and make you feel at ease. Ultimately this person will begin to make you feel devalued by snide, non-confrontational remarks. They will pick at you under the guise of “just trying to help”. Trust your gut. You will smell a rat very soon.
Once you’ve realized these toxic personalities, it’s time to start the process of disassociation. I prefer a clean, cut and dry method. I’d rather respectfully ask a person to go. Many times, an explanation is simply pointless because this person will never admit that they are toxic. As adults, however it is polite to announce your exit. Explain to your Toxic Tony that you feel that your lives are going in different directions and the opportunity for the relationship to grow has ended. Thank them for their time so proceed to block, delete and Report to Spam. I suggest severing the tie completely so there is no chance that they will try to re-enter your life or hinder your process of moving on. It’s a bit harsh. I know. But not as harsh as the way this person was affecting you.
Now you’re probably not a Cold Hearted Bitch like I am, so you will have remorse and regret. You may be tempted to rekindle this bad situation. When people are emotionally or physical abused, they tend to relate to their source of pain and develop unhealthy attachments. Don’t make yourself suffer. If you invite this person back in your life, their sense of entitlement will smother you. They will make you pay for even thinking you could shun them and they will know that they have the advantage.
1. It may sound lame, but make yourself a list. Write down the reasons your life will be better without them. Post your list somewhere that you can see daily.
2. Exercise discipline. When all else fails and this person is using unfair tactics to get back into your life, use your better judgement and pull yourself away. We diet because we want to lose unwanted weight. Well, sometimes you have to deprive yourself of certain emotional attachments in order to shake dead weight.
3. Keep yourself busy. Ensure that you are so preoccupied with other life priorities that your time is not idle. Get back to the basics and start to rediscover what this person stripped away from you.
Recognize. Release. Move On.